well today when I first got up at 5:30 am after only sleeping an hour and half. got lillie's bread then her meds. got drevon ready for daycare. then took lillie and marie and walked them to school. then came back and stripped the beds. and washed them as well as two loads of the kids cloths for sadie . as well as try to be on line in between doing chores.. but since I was not in a good mood thought it would be better not to lose my temper with her Master knowing that He was fighting sleep as well as a messed up back.. then ended up speaking with her sister tora whom I found out we know each other from a ways back under another id.
spoke on our feelings about Master.. and found that we feel the same way. and have some things in command which makes it even better cause we know we can get along with each other..stoped doing chores and im at noon to make lunch for sadies Master then went back to the chores and im's a little after one pm. as well as after one had to watch the neibors daughter whom only made getting my nerouves even tighter strong.. finally got back on with Master after His nap and got into an agrue ment which only made me feel worst and am ready to just give up as it is..
seems no matter what I do these days it is not good enough.. as it is with the kidney failure getting worst .. I am finding that my temper flare more easily and takes a lot more out of me then I would wish.. every day it is a struggle to keep going..and I know if I do not push myself then I would just stop caring.. and that is one thing I never want to happen..
it feels as if no one thinks or tries to understand not only the pain of it but the emotional strain.when I can be with Master.. most times yes sexualy by that time I am so frustrated that it is hard to even be around Him in fear of messing up.. yet my need to just be with Him is most times forgotten or pushed to the side.. I know He may think and feel that I do not care for Him yet I do.
it is hard to keep my will to fight insead of given up as well as tring to make sure I do what I can remeber.. even that is harder to do is remebering things.. and I know that as the damage gets worst so does the things I feel and the merior gets worst as well... tring to talk to someone about some of the things is hard to do.. and at times it makes me feel like if I do then I am whinnie or something and that is not what I want to be remembered as..
I know I am no good and perhaps I should just give up and give it.. but I had promised not to and am trying hard to keep that promise.. I do not wish to be a burden nor do I wish others to feel sorry for my problems.. some how some way I need to find a way around this..
right now I do not even understand why He wants me or sees in me any more.. I have tried to not serve and help others but I can not stay away.I know I need to be near Him and held at times but am tired of always asking cause it makes me feel like He really does nt want to.. and I do not know how to explain to Him how I feel and all.
there are so many times right now that I have felt like I was not wanted for anything much of inportant and it has made me not care.. and this I do not like or know just yet how to deal wioth it.. I have tried turning to my music as I used to. to help pull me back.. feeling lost of who and what YOu are is not a very good feeling.. on top of feeling like You no longer belong.. I know most of the problem with my Master is my fault yet I do not know just yet how to deal with them.. I am not used to feeling emotions nor do I understand them as most would..
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